Hello, dear Muggles. It is I, Professor Minerva McGonagall, here to teach you about an important subject: Muggle rides at Universal Orlando.
Today, I would like to start you with the least magical of your studies: mathematics. Which number is bigger, 25.7 million or 44.9 million? How about 5.5 million or 9.6 million? These questions shouldn’t be challenging. Even my least talented wizards, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, got them right, and they’re as dim as they are boorish and ugly.
The numbers in question reflect Universal Studios attendance in 2009 vs. 2015. Larger numbers are better, class. This isn’t your Muggle Golf, after all. In only six years, 19.2 million new theme park tourists determined that a visit to Universal parks was a good idea. In particular, Universal Studios Florida soared by 4.1 million, an increase of roughly 75 percent. What changed? Why, you know the answer, class! It’s that Universal added a little magic into your dull, gray lives.
In 2009, the hero of my people, a teen with a lightning scar on his forehead, became the subject of a series of new park expansions. You Muggles call it The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and it’s reversed the fortune of NBCUniversal and their corporate overlord, Comcast. You non-wizards love to dress up in your magical accoutrements and pretend as if you possess the ability to cast spells, if only for a day. While wizards such as I have no use for your Muggle money, we bask in the attention, delighting in your reverence for our ways.
As a special treat for you today, I will take a look at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, focusing on the five attractions that allow you to feel like a wizard. These are the ones that make you feel free from everything but the fear of Death Eaters and their leader, He Who Must Not Be Named. Obviously, as your special Wizarding Instructor, my opinions in no way reflect those of Theme Park Tourist. They are simply intended to foster discussion about what’s great about each ride as well as what could use a bit of improvement. Here, then, are one wizard’s rankings of the five major attractions at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
5. Flight of the Hippogriff
Ah, the noble and majestic hippogriff. This creature is the Wizard’s equivalent to both race horse and funny animal video. We breed the finest of the species professionally, and we fill our magical calendars with imagery of these breathtaking creatures. Frankly, the hippogriff deserves a better ride than what Muggle engineers managed with the Flight of the Hippogriff.
I can’t blame them, of course. Simulating flight is difficult without benefit of spells or hover charms. Still, the video above reveals the shame of this attraction. It’s over so quickly that a Muggle must feel as if they’ve been cursed with a time-advancing spell. The ride begins with a nod from the titular beast followed by ascension to the top of roller coaster tracks. The peak of this ascent is the highlight of the “Flight,” as it offers a breathtaking view of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter as well as the rest of the Muggle rides comprising the rest of the park.
Alas, that’s the lone highlight. From that point forward, it’s a fairly graceless descent through a series of twists and turns. Described as a junior roller coaster, it severely underestimates the Muggle youth of the world. Even they would find the ride itself dull. That view from the top, however, rivals anything you’d ever see while flying high during a Quidditch match. If only they could add a Golden Snitch…
4. Wizarding World of Harry Potter: Dragon Challenge
We Wizards cast magical incantations. You Muggles use something called engineering to repurpose existing roller coasters into new, more Potterverse-ian ones. Take, for example, Dragon Challenge, an attraction that originally had a dragon-based name of Dueling Dragons. Apparently, these dragons needed a challenge, so they evolved Pokemon-style (yes, we Wizards know about Pokemon) into a Chinese Fireball and a Hungarian Horntail.
Nobody, not even one-legged Hiccup the Brave Viking, a hero from a different tale, could train these particular Hungarian dragons. Our local expert, Rubeus Hagrid, claims that they’re “seriously misunderstood,” but they don’t come by their reputation as the most dangerous of dragons by accident. As for the Chinese Fireball, they’re best known for their appearance in the doomed Triwizard Tournament of 1994. One prevented legendary Quidditch player Viktor Krum from scoring full points in his quest, thereby accidentally saving his life in the end. A teenager named Cedric Diggory was much less fortunate.
The ride that includes these two challenging dragons is my favorite kind of Muggle roller coaster. It simulates the ski-lift sensation of elevating quickly to the top of a mountain. The difference is that there is no mountain here. Instead, it’s a narrow roller coaster track featuring five breathtaking inversions, each of which will literally spin you for a loop. It’s a wonderful feeling held back only by the length of the ride. Muggle Metal Dragons must lose their breath quickly, as the ride is over after 100 seconds. Dragon Challenge is fine for what is, but the fact that the dragons no longer duel is problematic. This attraction’s more Wizardly changes actually took away some of its magic. That’s not how the process is supposed to work.
3. Hogwarts Express
As someone who has ridden the actual Hogwarts Express on many occasions, I’d seem like the harshest critic of this train. After all, I know that it’s a fictional recreation of something very real back home. Despite my knowledge of its limitations, I still marvel at the technology.
When I board the Hogwarts Express to take a ride to a different part of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, I feel as if I’m home. The Muggle technology perfectly recreates the panoramic landscape of the region between Hogsmeade Station and King’s Cross Station. The special interactions with those mischievous Weasley twins, the foreboding up-close look at Malfoy Manor, and the humorous journey of the Knight Bus all remind me of times I’ve spent at Hogwarts, memories good and bad. It even offers an interaction with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, three of my all-time favorite students.
The Hogwarts Express achieves the most impossible of tasks for Muggle engineering. It seems like magic even as I know it’s not. This is a train ticket I’m all too glad to buy…or enchant Muggles into letting me ride for free.
2. Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey
When the Wizarding World of Harry Potter opened in 2009, you Muggles flocked to one attraction before all others. This particular motion simulation dark ride maintained wait-times in excess of two hours for years after its debut. It was primarily responsible for the mobs at Islands of Adventure, and the explanation for its instant, insane popularity was simple. It was the best representation non-Wizards can craft of the magical world that otherwise eludes them.
The Forbidden Journey in question takes guests through the gates of Hogwarts, promising a sneak appearance at a Quidditch match. The fact that no one has tickets isn’t important since Harry Potter promises that he can get you into the event. If you can’t trust Harry Potter, who can you trust at Hogwarts?
The beauty of this experience is that it offers the equivalent of Harry Potter’s Greatest Hits. You Muggles get to relish in the heady sensation of soaring on a broom as you attack a Keeper, you feel the creeping terror of the Forbidden Forest and its sentient spiders, and you tremble in fear as a Dementor tries to suck your soul from your body. It’s the most accurate recreation of life at Hogwarts imaginable. You’d swear that Voldemort was right behind you, readying to cast Avada Kedavra.
The Muggle engineers knew that to sell the Universal Studios expansion, they’d need a grand slam attraction. To their credit, they accomplished this feat without the use of magic. It’s a five-minute journey into the wizarding realm, and it works well. The only reason why it’s not ranked at the top is that every great ride is built in expectation of something eventually surpassing it. That’s exactly what happened.
1. Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts
Motion simulation is tricky business. In the hands of the wrong Muggles, it can cause nausea and disorientation. Some of the initial guests at both Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios Hollywood suffered these effects with Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. By the time their second attempt rolled around, they’d learned their lesson.
Escape from Gringotts is much more story-based than its predecessor, which is to say that while Forbidden Journey shows all the highlights of my Wizarding World, it’s a bit frenetic. The Gringotts version is much more measured. Part of that is because key elements of the ride take place on roller coaster tracks, negating many of the bumpy ride parts that could cause nausea. The coaster portion also ramps up the excitement of what’s a much more intense ride experience.
Whereas Forbidden Journey deploys Dementors as the big bads, Escape from Gringotts ramps up the danger. Bellatrix Lestrange, once the most feared female Wizard among the ranks of Death Eaters, is your enemy at the start of the fight. That’s understandable since you’re breaking into her bank vault. She’d kill you if you took a sip of her Butterbeer. Imagine what she’ll do if she catches you stealing her stuff. Even worse, you eventually incur the wrath of her main squeeze, Voldemort. Even I, a Commander for the winning side at the Battle of Hogwarts who knows that both of these Death Eaters are now deceased, still feel afraid when they chase me during Escape from Gringotts. You Muggles perfected the atmosphere of “the safest place in the world.”
While all five of the rides at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter have their advantages, Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts is clearly the best at recreating the realm of magic where I live.
