Welcome, Foolish Mortals, to the Haunted Mansion listicle! I am your host, your Ghost Host, and am about to live every 20-something’s dream. I will rank my roommates, choosing the best ones. You see, I share housing with 998 other spirits. The perception is that they are Happy Haunts, but every supernatural being has its shortcomings.
Today, I am excluding 991 guests from a very exclusive party, a dead man’s party if you will. In their wake, I leave you with the nine greatest characters at Disney’s Haunted Mansion, grading them on whether they’re the life of my party.
9. The Phantom Five
Image via Flickr user Castles, Capes, and Clones
Image: Flickr (license)
The singing busts receive the first set of invitations for this party. After all, we will need music to keep the guests dancing. Otherwise, it would be a somber affair, and that would never do at MY Haunted Mansion. We leave the serious side to that woman in the attic.
The Phantom Five are the swinginest heads in the Haunted Mansion’s cemetery. These blokes look like marble busts from a distance. Up close, you can see that they’re really the singing undead, a jovial quintet that rivals the Dapper Dans in every way save for the lack of a body. I love these fellows, especially the one who looks like Thurl Ravenscroft. Now THAT is the type of name that belongs in a Haunted Mansion.
8. Entrails Opera Singer
Image via Flickr user cd23murray
Image: Flickr (license)
I have a soft spot for the opera. It’s probably because most of them end in tragedy. At my Haunted Mansion, I host one of the world’s greatest formerly living divas. I call her the Entrails Opera Singer because I know her secret. How does she hit those high notes? Part of the sound comes from her diaphragm. The rest comes from her intestines, which conveniently wrap around her neck.
How good a singer is this woman? I’ll let you in on a secret. As a mortal, she was known as a Loulie Jean Norman, and she performed one of the most recognizable tunes on the planet. She incoherently sang the gibberish that you hear during the legendary Star Trek theme song. And she did that one WITHOUT choking on her own entrails! What a pro.
7. The Grand Hall Organist
Image: DisneyWith six singers performing, we need someone to play the background music. And the organist is a great choice for us. After all, he’s a shy fellow who hates to call attention to himself. Instead, he dwells in shadows, playing a pipe organ for the entertainment of mercurial dinner guests. He even plays the perfect song. If you listen carefully, you’ll hear an odd rendition of Grim Grinning Ghosts, the most fitting musical accompaniment for my ghost party.
6. Ballroom Duelists
Image: DisneyNow we’ve reached the entertainment portion of the proceedings. At a party, everyone knows that a fight will break out at some point. By choosing the right people ahead of time, I can guarantee it. After all, these two gentlemen will never see eye to eye. They have shot each other millions of times over the years, repeating the same actions every few seconds. They appear, they see their despised enemy, and BANG! The gunfire leads to the demise of each one for the umpteenth time. Sure, they’re slow learners, but they’re so much fun to watch!
5. Constance Hatchaway
Image: DisneyAt every party, you need someone who thins the herd, a person whose presence makes everyone else uncomfortable. Constance Hatchaway aka The Bride is perfect for this. She’s engaging enough that she can pass for normal for a while. How else do you explain all of those marriage proposals? After a couple of hours and a few drinks, that’s when the homicidal comes out. It’s why she’s a widow (several times over), and it’s why she creeps out everyone, even though people can’t explain why. Perhaps it’s the knife that vanishes and reappears. As far as party tricks go, that one…well, we can do better. And we will.
4. Hitchhiking Ghosts
Image: DisneyEzra, Gus, and Phineas are the life of the party…despite their undead state. These boys know how to have a great time. They’ve been pranking people for half a century now, and they keep modernizing their shenanigans every few years! Whether they splat your face with a birthday cake or jump in your Doom Buggy and head back home with you, the fun never ends with this trio. Everybody loves them, and so do I. That’s why I never let them escape the premises despite their constant hitchhiking attempts.
3. Hatbox Ghost
Image: DisneyNow this guy knows how to party! He has THE best party trick imaginable. I don’t claim to understand the physics of it, but the Hatbox Ghost can make it seem like his head isn’t on his body! It’s an amazing bit of magic. First, his head is sitting right where it should be. Then, his body seems to shudder and an electric jolt courses through his torso. Next thing you know, his head is a hatbox!
I’d rank him higher but A) I’m kind of threatened by his popularity and B) he spent like 45 years working on the trick before it finally seemed believable. The first time he tried, the magic trick was so bad that he went into hiding for several decades. Still, I have to give him credit for a triumphant return. And showmanship. The Hatbox Ghost has showmanship in spades.
2. Madame Leota
Image: DisneyAh, Leota. Even her family knows that wherever she is, she’s having a ball. Out of all my party guests, she is the most impressive. After all, her head rests in a small ball yet she’s not the least bit claustrophobic. In fact, she’s a sorceress of the highest order. Whenever she chants her incantations, spirits rise from their eternal slumber to dance and sing. With Leota in attendance, this party will never lack for guests. She can simply sing new haunts into attendance once I get bored with the old ones.
1. Ghost Host
Image: DisneyEvery party needs a host, and I, your Ghost Host, have been doing just this since the day the Haunted Mansion opened.
In a previous life, I was a newlywed husband with a sordid secret. In a previous life, I’d terrorized the coast as a pirate, plundering and pillaging. I then used my ill-gotten gains to buy a mansion and romance a young bride. I only had one request: that she stay out of the attic, the place where I kept the remnants of my past. Suffice to say that she couldn’t resist the temptation of this Pandora’s Box, and I had to kill her. Then, she haunted me until I could no longer live with my misdeeds.
At the roof of the Stretching Room, you see how I chose to cast off the mortal coil. I thought it would make me feel less haunted. Even in the afterlife, life has its ironies. At least I kept my sense of humor, right?
