Sometimes, the best thing that can happen on a ride is that you crack up. Don’t get me wrong. Thrill rides are fantastic and the main reason why many theme park tourists travel the globe in search of pure adrenaline rushes. Still, the underlying purpose of any park visit is to have a great time. Nothing indicates happiness and joy better than pure, unadulterated laughter. And that thought leads to a debate.
Which Disney attractions make you laugh the most? Surely, a couple of them popped in your head the moment that you read the question. Just as surely, your choices will diverge from the ones I’m about to select. And that’s the beauty of the discussion. Disney’s Imagineers do such a wonderful job with the little touches that they frequently lead to huge guffaws. When I collated the original list, I had 22 (!) different attractions that I felt were worthy of mention here.
8. It’s Tough to Be a Bug
Do you like funny smells and getting stung in your nether regions? Okay, half of that is funny, and half of it is difficult to say in a way that won’t make Sterling Archer shout, “Phrasing!” The point is that It’s Tough to Be a Bug is a fun AND funny show featuring some of the characters from A Bug’s Life. Kids love it, and while it doesn’t have quite the same replay value for adults as some of the other attractions listed below, it’s still hilarious for first timers. That surprise at the end of the show ALWAYS leads to explosive laughter from the crowd.
7. Country Bear Jamboree
Bear puns. Lots and lots of bear puns.
That’s the easiest way to describe Country Bear Jamboree. Anyone who doesn’t like country music or lousy music will think of this attraction as a special sort of torture. For those of us who love incongruity of fuzzy audio-animatronics singing obscure country music hits from the 1950s and 1960s, it’s a strangely enjoyable show.
The Country Bear Jamboree was one of the last projects that Walt Disney worked on before he died, and his Imagineers picked some of the silliest, goofiest music possible to give their founder a few laughs in his time of need. My personal favorite is All the Guys That Turn Me On Turn Me Down, a (once) risqué inclusion for a family-friendly park that is a musical lament on failing to attract a mate.
Sure, Country Bear Jamboree is corny, but if you don’t laugh during the show, you’re impervious to humor.
6. Turtle Talk With Crush
One of Disney’s most impressive technologies is a 3D puppet show. You may not even realize it, but the action that you see on the giant projection screen isn’t wholly artificial. A puppeteer creates all of the movements for Crush. Then, a realtime software translator digitizes the movements onto the Crush avatar.
For children (of all ages), all of the above is a pointless explanation of Disney magic. What matters is that Turtle Talk with Crush is basically an improvisational sketch comedy. Cast members select children to ask questions of the titular turtle, and it offers hilarious rejoinders, many of which are made up on the spot. Sure, proven jokes became part of the back catalog and wind up recycled into countless shows, but the genius of this attraction is that every performance is different. That’s rare at Walt Disney World (or any theme park, for that matter).
Turtle Talk with Crush amazes children with its setup. Kids effectively get to talk to the movie screen, and it talks back! Even for adults, it’s an amazing live show that Disney presents several times each hour without duplicating a previous performance.
5. Pirates of the Caribbean
Decades before Captain Jack Sparrow redefined the attraction, Pirates of the Caribbean delighted millions of visitors with its fractured take on the lives of marauders. Picking a favorite scene or set piece from the attraction is brutal. I narrowed the list of the funniest ones down to three.
The first is the auction, a no longer politically correct exhibition in which marauders bid to “take a wench for a bride.” The scene is so over the top that it’s impossible to take seriously. Similarly, the chase scene of a woman trying to use a rolling pin to bludgeon her male friend is, you know, assault with a deadly weapon, but it’s also cartoon violence at its finest. The speed with which they circle their set piece would make Barry Allen jealous.
My favorite, however, is the timeless classic of three incarcerated men trying to lure a dog closer. In his mouth, he literally holds the key to their liberation, but he’s not interested in giving up his booty for anything less than the 19th century equivalent of snausages.
Real life pirates from the era were violent narcissists with little regard for human life. The Pirates of the Caribbean are a rowdy, fun-loving bunch of drunks whose shenanigans have entertained theme park tourists for years. They’re hilarious, which is why this attraction is one of the five funniest on the planet.
4. Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor
A dear friend and business partner of mine went on vacation a few weeks ago. I didn’t expect to hear from him for 10 days. To my surprise, I noticed one morning that I had a text from him. It stated:
“Life goal achieved! Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor used one of the jokes I submitted!”
As far as life goals go, I want my dear friend to aim higher, but the text still busted me up. As most of you know, the line queue for this comedy show requests joke submissions. The cast members pick their favorites and share them during the live performance. Apparently, a grown man who works at one of the most respected institutions of higher learning in the United States felt 10 feet tall when a cast member told his joke.
This anecdote says everything about the joys of the Laugh Floor. Using similar technology to Turtle Talk with Crush, this attraction spins the ending of Monsters, Inc. into a fully developed power plant premise. Mike Wazowski (always read this in Boo’s voice!) entertains the crowd with a comedy routine, much of which comes from crowd interactions. This touch of personalization makes every show unique. While I love Turtle Talk as well, Laugh Floor is a more adult performance that offers a more satisfying experience overall. After all, if the show’s not funny, Monstropolis will lose power!
3. Splash Mountain
“This ain’t no laughing place!”
On the contrary, bee-faced bear! Splash Mountain is THE laughing place at Disney theme parks. It’s one of the most joyous attractions ever designed. What makes it so funny? Imagineers had the freedom to build a water ride however they wanted, and they chose to mess with people on the log flumes.
Throughout the ride, false finishes tease fearful theme park tourists that they’re about to hit the water and get soaked. The first several are all fakes, playing on people’s fears by sustaining them for the majority of one of the longest attractions at the parks. Then, the bear speaks the fateful words and Splash Mountain takes a dark turn. A rabbit gets grabbed by the throat, and a bit afterward, the log flume goes up a lift only to splash down at the bottom, drenching most of the guests onboard.
Splash Mountain is pure joy, both for the story it tells and the whimsy of the false finishes that delay gratification for almost ten minutes.
2. The Haunted Mansion
Picking the funniest attractions at Disney theme parks is a brutal exercise that will lead to many complaints about the pecking order and exclusions. I accept that. The most difficult choice, however, isn’t culling the list down to eight hilarious attractions. I did that fairly easily. No, the debate is which attraction is the funniest.
I understand that many readers will just skip to the end to make sure that their favorite is the number one selection. A lot of those people have now skimmed up to see where The Haunted Mansion is listed, and why it’s not the winner. To those people, I say hi! I hope that you’ll take the time to go back and read the rest of the article now. I’m sure that you’ll find plenty more reasons to get angry with me other than this particular selection.
I’d also like to let you know that no matter how angry you are about The Haunted Mansion not winning, nothing that you say is more aggressive than the comments that my wife will make to me over this turn of events, as roughly a third of her wardrobe is Haunted Mansion clothing. I’m only partially joking.
Why am I risking a divorce in placing The Haunted Mansion second? Well, it goes back to the design of the ride. For a decade, Disney Imagineers debated whether to make the attraction funny or scary. In the end, they merged these divergent premises into an asymmetrical but brilliant juxtaposition of the two ideas. And as funny as The Haunted Mansion is, it loses in this category because it’s not funny from start to finish. The winner does nothing but tell jokes. That’s the key here.
Still, in terms of percentage of quality jokes, nothing can touch The Haunted Mansion. We’re talking about an attraction where a caretaker and his dog quiver in fear as spirits rise from the ground and throw a raucous dance party. A Viking opera singer hits higher notes because she’s choking on her own entrails. A black widow bride goes through husbands like a samurai wrestler goes through buffets. And three ghosts jump into your car and ride back home with you. These days, they may even hold up a sign that shows exactly where the four of you are going. It’s an absurdly silly warm hug of a ride that is arguably the most entertaining themed attraction of all-time. It’s just not the funniest…on a technicality.
1. Jungle Cruise
Think about the nature of Jungle Cruise for a moment. What do you actually do on this ride? You sail around the water for a bit, and then you return to where you started. How are the visuals of the various themed settings throughout the attraction? They’re fairly dated, aren’t they? Even though cast members do a wonderful job of updating the look of the signature animals at Jungle Cruise, their appearances haven’t changed much over the years.
If all of the above is true, what’s so memorable about Jungle Cruise? The answer, of course, is the dialogue. The glorious script for Jungle Cruise elevates the proceedings in unforgettable fashion. Most impressively, it’s also flexible. Each cast member has their own style and favorite jokes to include during each trip through (well, near) Schweitzer Falls.
Jungle Cruise is the punniest theme park attraction ever created, and it has stood the test of time for this reason. It remains a staple of Disney’s theme park empire, with a movie version starring The Rock in the offing. Its humor is the gold standard in the industry.
