Let’s get one thing out of the way—theme park crowds are a pain.
If you’re visiting Walt Disney World, Universal Studios, Busch Gardens, or even Sea World, you’re going to have to deal with crowds. Even in the off-season, theme park crowds can be intimidating, but during peak visiting times, the hordes of tourist that descend upon Orlando for summer break and holidays can turn legitimately bonkers. Anyone who has endured the cramped locker cave inside Harry Potter and The Forbidden Journey or who has dared to brave Disney’s World of Pandora on a Saturday night can attest to the fact that aggressive park crowds can test even the most patient psyche.
Most theme park visitors have probably had the passing thought to… overreact to crowds. We generally explore news and travel tips on Theme Park Tourist, but this week, we decided to take a slightly different tack.
Here are the top five things we’ve all wanted to do in crazy theme park crowds but probably—make that definitely shouldn’t…
1. Challenge fellow parkgoers to single combat
Image: John Lawlor, Flickr (license)
Most theme park tourists have endured at least one awkward encounter with another guest. These can range from, “I’m so sorry! Can I get you a napkin to wipe off your new Dole Whip necktie?” to “I must say, sir, your behavior strikes me as less than cordial. No, I do not think you were adhering to proper etiquette in shattering both my ankles with your triplets’ mega-stroller simply to procure a seat on the train to Rafiki’s Planet Watch. You, sir, are no gentleman.”
Something like that.
The most awkward encounter of all, however, is one we’ve touched on before—crazed guests who decide to play chicken with anyone in their path. In bustling theme park crowds, everyone has to give way sometimes, but things never turn out well when one nutter gets that dead-eyed Terminator stare and proceeds to plow right through everyone in their path like they have zero flips left to give.
It happens once, no big deal. It happens twice, okay, that’s annoying. It happens three times, and some of us may feel an unexpected compulsion to throw down our refillable mug, point a Hulk Hogan forefinger in the face of the offending rival, and shout for all Epcot to hear that, “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!”
Too much? Sadly, it would also be equally unacceptable to tear one’s shirt open, look your fellow guest in the eye, and shout that you accept their challenge of single combat. Alas, even though some theme park visitors probably have it coming, the benevolent overlords of Walt Disney World and Universal Studios do not consider “duels of honor” a passable guest practice. It seems the best strategy will have to remain retreating to the sweet embrace of L’Artisan des Glaces when the pressure of crowds becomes too much to bear.
2. Kick off an impromptu flash mob
Image: Disney
Disney characters have it so easy. When troubles come their way, they can simply break into song and the world sings with them. All the chaos of life melts away and even the bitter baker and backwards barkeep who make fun of your penchant for reading real books (darn kids and their tablets) romp into chorus at your passing.
Perhaps you tried to solve your problems this way and found yourself in a disciplinary meeting wrapped in a sarong with an out-of-tune ukulele and a frazzled rooster, no closer to returning the heart of the ocean to Te Fiti. Unfortunately, even at the Most Magical Place on Earth, the fickle grip of reality holds true when it comes to solving crowd problems with the power of song. While Rapunzel and Flynn Rider might be able to inspire an angry mob of miscreants and ne’er-do-wells to break into knee-slapping choreography, attempts to kick off your own impromptu flash mob in the middle of theme park crowds will probably prove be more likely to inspire parents to hide their children and alert the nearest trooper of the fighting 501st than it will inspire cranky tourists to fall into harmony. Guess we’ll have to find somewhere else to dance like no one is watching.
3. Panic
Image: Disney
We actually have dedicated a surprising amount of content at Theme Park Tourist to dealing with awkward crowd encounters, and we’ve even touched on what to do if you have a straight up panic attack at Walt Disney World. In this case, we’re not talking about that type of panic.
If you’ve spent any extended amount of time in theme park crowds, the thought probably crossed your mind to just cast propriety to the wind and run away screaming.
Is this one really that far-fetched? People scream on roller coasters, after all. They scream upon seeing Gaston or Star Lord march onto the street, or even upon reuniting with Cousin Ruthie after hours circling the Cinderella Castle courtyard wondering if you might need to put out a missing person’s report to find her. Is it really that bizarre to want to throw up your arms, flail your hands like Buzz Lightyear on too many cups of Darjeeling, and run away screaming in the face of ravenous tourist swarms? Not that there’s anywhere to run to, but still… I suppose for the sake of not scaring the children (someone must remain strong for the little guys), we’ll keep this option on the shelf.
4. Moo like a cow
Image: Arctic Wolf, Flickr (license)
Actually, this makes a fair deal of sense in Magic Kingdom parade crowds. Carry on.
5. Retreat and befriend a volleyball
Image: Disney
Maybe you’ve never had any of these macabre fantasies in frustrating theme park crowds. You’ve never felt the need to shout Dragonball Z style at another guest that you will prove whose power level is truly over 9000. You’ve restrained the song and dance in your heart, and you’ve managed not to bolt away screaming from butterbeer-guzzling mobs at Harry Potter’s Wizarding World.
Still, we all snap at some point.
It starts out innocent enough. You just step into a shop to escape the churning sea of guests waiting for the fireworks. No big deal. Making a strategic retreat from crowds is actually a popular tip for visiting theme parks.
One minute, you’re browsing through Goofy taffy flavors, waiting for the throng to disperse. The next thing you know, you’re constructing a fort out of plush Simba toys, sustaining yourself on fudge cubes and rice treats while the time passes. One hour of hiding passes, then two. You assimilate into the merchandise, becoming one with it. No one seems to notice you anymore. You befriend a Mickey Mouse volleyball and name it Willie. You assemble a tribe of Toy Story army men and ascend as their chief, founding a new micro-society where trading pins are used as currency and whoever holds the BB-8 mug gets to address the tribe. A bright-eyed cast member politely inquires why you have smeared ketchup on an unpurchased volleyball. You grab the nearest lightsaber to defend Willie’s honor while your tiny green infantry prepares for war as fireworks blast in the distance like the arrival of Valkyries. Your men think you can reclaim the castle from the invading forces. The BB-8 mug is wrenched from you in a surprise coup by a six-year-old girl dressed as Snow White. The army men decide to make her their queen, for truly she is the fairest and fiercest of all. Will she cast you to the unforgiving mob outside, to be torn apart like a mere turkey leg in the hands of a ravenous millennial? The Iron Lady of the Seven Dwarves holds out her thumb then turns it downwards, sealing your fate…
Or maybe you just need a Citrus Swirl and a quiet ride on the Peoplemover to destress. That’s probably a better plan… probably.
Have you ever wanted to overreact to theme park crowds?
